Much Ado About Breakfast
by NYgoldfish54
Summary: Sequel to A Midsummer Night's Dinner. Same old Ducks, and new food adventures, including: Adam's exotic butter dance, flying flapjacks, and a stuffed kangaroo named Potch. On indefinite hiatus.
1. Pancakes Anyone?

**Title: **Much Ado About Breakfast

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** _sequel to A Midsummer Night's Dinner. Same old Ducks, and new food adventures, including: Adam's exotic butter dance, flying flapjacks, and a stuffed kangaroo named Potch…****_

**Feedback: **Go on, review, I dare ya…

**Dedication:** none

**Disclaimer:** The Ducks belong to Disney

**Story Notes: **hey all! Here's the first chapter of the sequel to _A Midsummer Night's Dinner. I think it's gonna be kind of the same thing, but with breakfast and some different weird experiences. You don't have to have read _A Midsummer Night's Dinner_ to understand this story, but it always helps. Happy Reading…_

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**Chapter 1: Pancakes Anyone?**

"Why, Spazway, is Boy Meets World on in your living room at 8:30 in the morning?" said a voice from behind Charlie Conway. Charlie fell off his couch; he didn't know anyone was there. Portman hadn't even bothered to knock on the door before he'd walked in. 

"I think a better question, Portman, is why are _you_ in my living room at 8:30 in the morning?" Charlie asked, getting up from the floor.

"Breakfast," Portman said easily.

"Dammit, Portman, don't you remember what happened when you came to my house for _dinner_ a few weeks back?"

"Well be prepared, the rest of them are meeting us here right about-," he checks his watch as the doorbell rings, "-now." Portman walked across the room and opens the door.

Two seconds later, the rest of Charlie's Ducks walk into the living room.

"Hey Captain Duck!" Goldberg said in an easy tone.

"Nice to see you, partner," said Dwayne.

"Yeah, yeah, nice to see you, what's to eat?" asked Guy in an impatient voice.

"Guy!" Connie says, giving him an elbow in the side. Guy doubled over.

"I don't know what there is to eat, I didn't even _invite_ you here this time!" Charlie said exasperatedly. "Why don't you ask Portman, since this seems to be his master plan!"

"Ok, Portman, what's there to eat?" Kenny asked.

No answer.

"Portman? Portman? PORTMAN!?"

Portman looked up, startled, from where he and Julie were snogging behind the couch.

"WHAT!?"

"You brought us here for breakfast, so what's there to eat?" Russ asked.

"Well, I was thinking, I just got my paycheck-" he pulls out a wad of cash from his pocket. "-and I figured we'd go out for breakfast."

Adam seemed very open to this, since it seemed that he wouldn't be the one paying, for once.

"Well, where should we go?" Averman asked, drawing attention to himself for the first time.

"Um…Averman? Why are carrying that stuffed kangaroo?" asked Luis.

"You mean Potch? He's my guardian. He wards off mummies, witches, crab-like severed hands, banshees, giant spiders, angry flies, Freddie Kruger, frogs that croak too loud, undercooked chicken, Chinese checkers, and even-" he pulled a clove of garlic out of the kangaroo's pouch. "-vampires!"

"Not the damn vampires again!" Fulton exclaimed.

"Yes, the damn vampires again, you great ugly fiend! They're out there!" Averman cried.

Everyone just stared at him.

"Yeah, ok, Averman. Kiss me again, Portman!" Julie said. Portman gratefully obliged.

"Damn it all to hell! Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Averman wailed. 

"Maybe it's because you're a friggen lunatic?" Guy asked sarcastically.

"So, going back to what we're going to eat…" Fulton said. "I say we go for Chinese."

"What!?" Charlie cried. "Oh no, not again!"

"Chinese doesn't make good breakfast," Connie agreed, totally missing the point that the last time they'd had Chinese, everyone ended up rolling around in it.

"I was thinking more along the lines of pancakes for breakfast," said Guy, nodding at Fulton.

"Let's go to IHOP!" exclaimed Adam, practically jumping up and down with happiness.

"Buddy, you're getting _way_ too excited over pancakes," said Russ.

"I can't help myself!" said Adam, trying to keep himself from moving but not really succeeding. "Something about all that butter and syrup and a frying pan turns me on," he continues, grinning devilishly.

"You do know that's a little sick and weird, don't you?" asked Kenny, moving away from Adam's side.

"Yeah, I think it's odd too," Dwayne agreed, "and I'm from Texas."

"What's so odd about Texas?" Goldberg asked.

"Well, for starters, most families are inbred and many people have fewer teeth than a jack-o-lantern," Dwayne answered.

"Ok, I'm sorry I asked," said Goldberg.

"Let's get going then, shall we?" said Connie.

"Yeah, come on, let's get the hell out of this house," said Luis.

"Hurry up!" Adam snapped at Portman and Julie, who were snogging behind the couch.

"Cool it, maple syrup boy, we're coming," said Portman, getting off the floor and pulling Julie to her feet.

"Can Potch come too?" Averman asked. "Charlie?" 

"Yeah, yeah, why not?" Charlie didn't want to get Averman started on an explanation on why Potch _needed to come. He'd go into some huge fit about how he would probably drink werewolf milk or eat runny eggs or something._

"I have a funny feeling," Charlie said to Fulton as they walked out the door, "that this isn't going to be a cake walk." 

"Don't you mean a _pan_cake walk, Charlie? It'll be fine," Fulton said, grinning.

Fulton and Charlie watched the Ducks a moment. Averman was babbling to his stuffed kangaroo and was trying to get Russ to talk to it as well. Portman and Julie were kissing, not watching where they were going, and as a result nearly flattened Kenny and Dwayne. Connie and Guy were bickering about blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes.

"Alright, I guess it is a little tough eating with the Ducks," said Fulton.

Then Adam told Luis and Goldberg about the exotic dance he'd once done with butter, and how he'd like to do it again. Luis and Goldberg looked at each other, quite terrified, and backed away from Adam slowly.

Fulton and Charlie looked at each other.

"Scratch that, Charlie," said Fulton. "This isn't going to be fine. This isn't even going to be bad. This is going to be friggen terrible…I hope you took a Prozac before we left."

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how was it? I suck at judging my own funniness factor. I hope it's amusing. oh! and I didn't mean offense toward anyone from Texas. I'm just using stereotypes for humor. no offense is meant by them. hit the review button for me. thanks!


	2. The Distinctly Weird and Bizarre Event

hey all! here's chapter two of this breakfast adventure. I hope you all like it. hit the review button when you're finished, because I suck at judging my own funniness factor, so you hafta let me know how it is!

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**Chapter 2: The Distinctly Weird and Bizarre Event **

"No, Guy, blueberry pancakes are definitely better than chocolate chip pancakes!" Connie said for about the hundredth time. 

"Why are you guys fighting over pancakes?" Kenny asked.

"Because Connie just can't accept that chocolate is better than blueberries!" Guy shouted at Kenny.

"Jeez, Guy, you kiss Connie with that bad breath? May I suggest brushing your teeth when you wake up in the morning?" Kenny said, waving his hand in front of his face to clear the air.

"Oh shut up, you!" said Guy.

"Want a tic tac?" Kenny asks. Fulton has to physically restrain Guy from hitting Kenny. 

"Can we take a break, please?" begged Averman.

"Take a break? We've only been walking 15 minutes!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Potch is tired," Averman explains.

"Averman, you're _carrying_ Potch!" Charlie exclaims.

"No, actually, let's sit, Charlie," said Portman.

"You just want to sit so you can kiss Julie more!" Adam said.

"So what's wrong with that?" Julie asked.

"I'm hungry, that's what's wrong!" Luis yelled. "Why did we pick IHOP? It's practically the restaurant farthest away from Charlie's house!"

They passed some benches (convenient, huh?) and so they decided to sit down. Well, actually, Averman, Potch, Portman, and Julie sat, so in fear of losing them, the others sat down as well.

"Banksie, why are you all sweaty and gross? It's a nice day and we're only walking," Goldberg said to Adam.

Adam doesn't really answer. "Butter," he murmured, and Goldberg quickly moves away to sit next to Dwayne instead.

An old man with a cane walked up to the Ducks and sat down next to Fulton. He was wearing and ugly, musty brown suit, big square glasses, and a big brown fedora that matched his ugly brown suit.

"Hello," said the man to the Ducks. He gave them a big smile, and he had no teeth in his mouth. He was also giving off a rather funny smell.

"Ewww," Connie said, and Guy quickly clamped a hand over her mouth.

"How are you kids doing today?" the funny-smelling, toothless man asked.

"Um, we're good," said Goldberg, looking rather scared.

"Where are you children going?" the old, toothless man asked.

"Um…pancakes at I-" Fulton began, but Russ cut him off.

"Pancakes at the Diner downtown," Russ said quickly. Russ had done a good thing. Afterall, he'd grown up in South Central Los Angeles, and knew that when some random scary looking stranger asks where you're going, you don't answer…or you don't answer truthfully. Ya know, do whatever suits the situation. In this case, blatantly lying was the best response.

The man smiled his big ugly toothless smile again. "I love pancakes!" he said, "I think I'll join you."

"Uh…" Russ looked around for help from his friends.

"Why would you want to join us?" Adam asked. "Wait, you does maple syrup make you hot?"

"No, but it tastes good on pancakes," the old man said, giving Adam a very suspicious look.

"Oh," Adam looked disappointed.

"Um, well, we really have to go," said Charlie, pulling up Portman, who was, naturally lip-locked with Julie.

"So quickly? I thought I would come," said the man.

"Well, you can't, because, um, oh…" Charlie stammered. The man got up walked over to Charlie, and pushed him.

"You just don't respect your elders! I'll teach the meaning of respect, you useless, pathetic little boy!" and the man took his cane and started to whack Charlie with it.

"Oww, ouch! Cut it out!"

"PATHETIC, USELESS, UNGREATFUL LITTLE BASTARD!" the old man was yelling. Instead of this alarming the Ducks, they found watching Charlie being beaten with a cane by a toothless, bad-smelling, old man quite funny, and instead of helping him, were all laughing.

"Somebody do something!" yelled Charlie. "Portman, you're the biggest! DO SOMETHING!"

But Portman just stood there, pointing at Charlie and laughing.

"No stop!" yelled Connie finally overcoming her giggles and rushing to Charlie's aid.

"I'll teach you too, little miss snotty face! When I was young, women wore their hair short and respectable, not an ugly, long and braided like yours! You don't want me to come either!? Do you!? You don't respect your elders either! I'll teach you!" and the man tried to hit Connie with the cane, but Connie ducked and the cane walloped Charlie across the side of the face. This made Portman fall over, clutching his side.

"We don't want you to come," Averman said finally, trying to keep a straight face, "because, you're old, toothless, give off a funny smell, and we might have been able to live with that, but the violence with cane puts you over the top! We cannot deal with foul smelling, toothless, violent psychos! No way!"

The man, wildly raged, went to swing his cane at Averman, but Averman held up Potch to absorb the blow, and abruptly the old man stopped mid-swing. He took one look at the kangaroo, and a terrified look came into his eyes. He then took his cane and ran away screaming.

"Good boy, Potch!" said Averman, patting the stuffed kangaroo on the top of the head.

The Ducks stood in silence for a moment. Then Julie said, "Well, that was…weird."

"Very weird," Guy agreed.

"The weirdest," said Portman.

"I'd say it was more bizarre, myself," Goldberg said.

"I still think weird suits it," said Julie.

"Nah, I'm with Goldberg. This was definitely bizarre," Fulton said.

"Are you sure? Cause weird-" Russ started.

"Could we stop it, please? Weird, bizarre, it's the same damn thing! I was hit over and over with a cane, and all you did was laugh at me!" Charlie yelled.

"It was funny," said Luis.

"Hilarious," said Portman.

"Yeah, yeah, hilarious Portman. Thanks for all your support. I was being beaten to death, and you just stood and laughed. Thanks."

"Hey! Don't belittle me! I did more than laugh! I pointed too!"

"Oh that makes it so much better. Thanks, Portman," Charlie said sarcastically.

"Any time, Charlie, any time."

"Well, now, that this uh…distinctly weird and bizarre event is over…let's get breakfast, shall we?" said Kenny, still looking after the old man, who was still running away, screaming, and getting smaller and smaller.

"I'm feeling very turned on," said Adam, as they continued on their way.

"Fantastic," said Guy distractedly.

"I'd love to roll around in all that maple syrup and butter and listen to that frying pan crackle," Adam said, hugging himself. 

"Why am I walking next to you?" asked a horrified looking Guy, dropping back to walk beside Luis.

"Say thank you to Potch, Charlie," Averman said to Charlie.

"Why?"

"Potch scared off the crazy, bad-smelling, toothless old man."

"Yeah, but not before I was beaten with a cane," said Charlie, rubbing the side of his head where a bruise was coming up.

"Say thank you to Potch, Charlie," Averman said, a little more commanding like this time.

"No," said Charlie, a little more annoyed this time.

"Say it."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"SAY IT!" Averman yelled at Charlie so loudly that everyone stopped to look at them and Charlie fell down.

"Ok! Ok! I'll say it! Just please don't hurt me!" Charlie whimpered from his position on the ground.

Averman held out Potch for Charlie to thank.

"Thank you, thank you Potch!" Charlie said, enthusiastically patting his head.

"That's better," said Averman. "Now how about you give him a big kiss?"

"Don't push it."

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_story note:_ I based that Kenny line about the weird and bizarre event being over on something I read yesterday. I can't tell you where I read it or who wrote it, because I'm not sure and I can't find it. anyway, I hope you liked the chapter, hit the review button and let me know how it was.  
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**percussion****: glad you like it. I will show you Adam's exotic butter dance sometime in this story. at least, the best I can with words and no pictures.**

**WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll****: I never eat breakfast either, and even when it's pancakes I can't finish. I get up too early for school, and if I eat too much I hurl. I've seen a bunch of the Freddie Kruger and Jason movies too! Freddie vs. Jason I haven't been to see yet, but I'm getting the distinct feeling the Hollywood writers are running out of ideas for Freddie and Jason. Pretty soon it'll be the same for Halloween. I can see it now. Halloween CCXIXIMCIXM: Michael Marries Freddie! And Jason's Jealous! And Let's See Who Gets Ripped Apart In This Gay Slasher/Horror Film!**

**Cimmy:** Potch can be your new hero. But I thought it was Anthony? *wink* Talk to you later!

**Jennifer: **glad you like it, I hope this chapter meets your expectations.

**Cake-Eater/Quimby: **Ya know, I didn't think it was possible that someone could come up with an exotic butter dance, but apparently it is. Improbable, but not impossible. Averman's a cool dude.

**plainjane**: **it might be better than AMND. I will do my best. And the butter dance…it's going to be so hard to write that in words. I see it in my head, but it's so hard to write. It might turn out scarier in words than it does in my head. In my head it's funny and weird and disturbing, but not solely disturbing.**

**DuckHockey00214496: **I'm glad you like it, and I'll try to put in more Connie and Guy, I promise.

**Emma: **glad you like it. I hope this chapter is just as good.

**KShyne99: **I'm glad you like this, really I am. And I'm glad you liked AMND. I'm flattered you like my writing, really. So thank you.

**Iluvguygermaine00:** Adam's exotic butter dance and being turned on by pancakes had you crying huh? that's a compliment to me, so thank you. I just hope when the time comes it doesn't make you cry from horror instead of humor!

**Piyo****: I'm glad you like both stories. I don't know if I'll do a lunch adventure. I might. I hafta see how this goes first. Let me know!**


	3. The Apple Tree

hey everyone! here's chapter three. read and review for me, ok? I hope you all enjoy sexual jokes. tell me how funny it is…I personally laughed through the whole thing, but it's cause I was basing it on a true memory of mine…so maybe that's what made it funny to me? oh well.

**random**** announcement: to anyone who reads _It's Summer In My Heart by Cimmy and me: we've updated the story and changed the rating, but for whatever reason, fanfiction.net is not showing that it's been updated on the 'Just In' page. you have to go through my fanfiction.net profile to the story link to read the new chapters. sorry about making this random announcement, I just had no other way to tell people then to put it here._**

I think that's it. so buckle your seatbelts and hold on to your hats. away we go.

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**Chapter 3: The Apple Tree**

"What time is it?" Goldberg whined as the Ducks crossed another street.

"I dunno. 9:00-ish," said Portman.

"Why don't you just look at your watch?" Kenny asked.

"Too lazy," Portman replied easily. Kenny looked horrified. How could you be so lazy that you don't even want to move your arm to look at a watch?

"It's 9:05, Goldie," said Fulton, checking his own watch and rolling his eyes.

"Um, Adam, what are you doing?" asked Connie, watching Adam move his pelvis back and forth rather violently.

"Gyrating, Connie, why?" Adam asked, as if this wasn't odd.

Connie just whimpered in response and ran to hide behind Guy. Adam was soon so turned on that he had to hop along with his legs crossed.

"Is it _normal_ to get hot off maple syrup?" Luis asked Julie.

"I don't know," Julie whispered back. "I don't think it is, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so who knows?"

"Excuse me!" Adam exclaimed. He overheard that small exchange. "It's not abnormal! Butter and maple syrup happens to turn me on! Is that such a bad thing!?"

"Yes," Luis said flatly.

"Oh yeah, what's wrong with it?" Adam inquired.

"Dude, you're supposed to get off looking at _girls!" Luis exclaimed. "Not pancakes!"_

"Alright, children, alright, let's just settle down," Averman said, still carrying Potch with him.

"Well he's getting off on a stuffed kangaroo!" Adam yelled at Luis as he hopped along. "Why isn't _that considered abnormal! Plus he's weird anyway!"_

"First off, Banks, I'm not actually 'turned on' by Potch. He's just a cool kangaroo. Second, you shouldn't talk about me being weird, as you _are_ the one who's got to hop along with your legs crossed or you'll squirt all over!" Averman defended himself.

Adam was just about to reply when Charlie spoke. "Could you all be quiet and less disgusting? I'm trying to think!"

"About what?" Guy asked.

"I'm trying to self-heal. That guy cracked me in the back of my head with his cane. It really hurt," Charlie whined.

"Oh, poor baby!" Connie squealed, running over to Charlie and rubbing the back of his head. 

"OUCH! CONNIE THAT HURTS!" Charlie roared.

"Oh. Sorry," she grinned.

"Hey y'all! How about a snack!?" Dwayne yelled.

"What do you mean, 'a snack'?" Guy asked.

"There's an apple tree!" Dwayne exclaimed, pointing.** (Author's Note: are there apple trees in ****Minnesota****? I have no idea. In this story there are. deal.)**

"Hey, yeah, an apple before breakfast to hold us over until we get there!" said Kenny. "Good idea, Dwayne!"

Everyone seemed excited about this idea, and walked over to the apple tree. Well, everyone except Adam walked. Adam had a particularly bad boner at the moment, so he hopped with his legs crossed.

"There's a problem," said Russ, pissing on everyone's parade. "We can't reach the apples." 

It was true. Even Portman, the tallest, couldn't reach the lowest apples on the tree. **(Author's Note: apple trees aren't really that tall or that big. but in this story they are. cope.)**

"Dammit!" screamed Julie. "I'm hungry!"

"Don't worry, babe, I'll get you an apple!" Portman said.

Portman ran over to the tree, started to climb it, and the small branches promptly broke and he fell out of the tree on to his back.

"Ouch," he mumbled as he got up.

"Portman, dude, are you ok?" Fulton asked, helping him up.

"Yeah, I think I just broke my spine. I'm great!" Portman moaned jumping up and down.

"If you broke your spine you wouldn't be hopping around like Adam in heat," Guy pointed out.

"Hey!" Adam yelped with his legs crossed.

"True," Portman admitted.

"I'm the lightest," said Connie, grinning at Julie, "I'll climb. Maybe the branches will hold me."

So Connie went to climb the tree. The thin branches gave under her weight too, and she fell out of her the tree, landing on Guy, who was standing ready to catch her. 

"Guy! You caught me!" exclaimed Connie.

"I know," said Guy.

"My hero!" Connie shrieked and started kissing him.

They both fell over and continued their make-out session on the ground.

"Get a room," Goldberg said.

"I think I'll give it a try," said Julie, starting to climb the tree.

Of course, the branches snapped under Julie's weight, and she too, fell out of the tree. But Julie, unlike Portman or Connie, didn't fall on her back and didn't need anyone to catch her.

"Wow, Julie!" Russ said. "How'd you land on your feet?"

"Cats always do," she grinned.

"How are we going to get the apples?" asked Charlie.

"I know!" said Averman happily.

Averman ran over and placed Potch under the tree. Just like that, the wind blew, and apples fell out of the tree and each Duck took one. Well, Adam was standing with his legs crossed, so Fulton picked Adam's up and handed it to him. Then he walked away, muttering "I feel sooo unclean…"

"Way to go, Potch!" exclaimed Averman, picking up the stuffed kangaroo.

"Averman, the wind blew," said Charlie.

"It was sooo Potch, Charlie," Averman argued.

Charlie just decided it was best to agree before Averman went off on a tangent. "Fine, it was Potch. Yay Potch! All hail Potch!" Charlie said sarcastically, giving a big, fake bow.

"Hey Charlie?" Averman said.

"Yeah?"

"Don't mock the kangaroo."

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**WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll****: Potch can be your knight. You can put him on a coat-of-arms. Well, maybe not. You've gotten me all inspired to see Newsies. I'm just waiting for a ride to the video rental store…and I'm the King of New York. Well, Queen, maybe. Thanks for reviewing. I hope this lives up to expectations.  
**Cimmy: **I _know you love Potch. He's the coolest. Thanks for reviewing and being a good friend and a true inspiration. Amazing what insanity inspires *winks* Just kidding, of course. Talk to you soon.  
**iluvguygermaine00:** don't hyperventilate on me! I need you to review! Thanks for that. Talk to you soon. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
**Bella7: **cool. thanks for the compliments. I've had that argument too! I hope you like this chapter just as much.  
**Jennifer: **glad you love it. I'll update as often as I can.  
**Cake Eater:** dude, if you want to marry Potch, that's cool. glad you found it funny…I hope you find this one funny too.  
**DuckHockey00214496:** making people feel special is what I do best. ok, it's not. Glad you do though. Potch Jr.? Oh jeez, I don't think Averman could handle it!_**


	4. Outside the Strip Joint

hey everyone. here's chapter 4. I'm already writing chapter 5, so hopefully it won't take so long get up. I don't know how funny this chapter is, it's not based on real life, so I don't know. hit the review button when you're done, and let me know!

**Random Announcement #2:** To anyone who reads _It's Summer In My Heart _by Cimmy and me, we'd like to point out that it still doesn't show up on the 'Just In' page and that you have to go through my fanfiction.net profile to read it. Cimmy thinks that they just don't show updated R stories on the page, and I think she might be right, but I have no clue. Anyway, if you want to read it, you know where to find it. Sorry I had to put this here, but once again, I have no other way to tell people. 

That's it for stuff not breakfast related. you can read chapter 4 now. enjoy and review!  
-Kristine

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**Chapter 4: Outside the Strip Joint**

"These apples are really good…" Julie mumbled through a mouthful.

"Yeah, definitely," Connie agreed.

"How much farther do we have to walk?" asked Luis.

"Another two or three miles," Charlie said, looking at the street signs they were passing.

"Hey, what's that place?" Dwayne asked, pointing to a big, neon sign that read '24 HOUR PLAYPEN! XXX!'

"I know! I know!" said Guy, jumping up and down with his hand in the air.

"How would you know?" Connie asked Guy, giving him a look. It's the same look female lions give their prey before they rip out their prey's throat.

Guy looked like he was going to pee his pants. "Um…I read it in a 'Guide to Minneapolis' book once…"

"Good answer," Connie said, nodding. Guy heaved a huge sigh of relief.

"Maybe we should send Adam in there?" Fulton wondered out loud, and Goldberg nodded.

"Huh!? Why!?" asked Adam, who was still hopping along, cross-legged.

"Because if you get a lap dance maybe you won't be so hot for pancakes anymore," Goldberg said.

"Please, could we stop? I just ate an apple, I really don't want to puke," mumbled Kenny before Adam could defend himself.

"We should take Dwayne, since he doesn't even know what it is! The boy is deprived!" Portman exclaimed.

"Alright then. It's settled! Who's going in?" Russ cheered.

"Well, Dwayne, and Adam, obviously," said Julie. "Portman and Guy, you guys can wait outside."

"What? Are you kidding?" Portman asked Julie.

"No, and if you ever want to get any action from me again, you won't push it," Julie said, with finality in her voice.

"Yes ma'am," Portman said, bowing.

"Are you sure this is a responsible thing to do, Charlie?" asked Connie.

"You're right, Connie. This is definitely _not a responsible thing to do at all. Dwayne and Adam can't just go! Someone else needs to as well! No way in hell I trust Dwayne 'I don't know what boobs are' Robertson and Adam 'I get hot off pancakes' Banks in there by themselves! Dwayne would need an entire middle school health education just to get out again without herpes. Adam would get beat up, or become one of the exotic, butter stripping pole dancers. That would be irresponsible," said Charlie, totally missing Connie's point. "So who else is going?"_

Every male that wasn't Portman, Averman, or Guy jumped up and down with their hand in the air in front of Charlie.

"Me! Let me go!" Kenny yelled.

"Me! I'm from LA! You should let me go! Somebody I know might be in there!" yelled Russ.

"I want to go!" hollered Goldberg.

"I want to go! Come on, Charlie! Please! I'm a womanizer! You _know_ me!" shouted Luis. 

"Yes, I do know you. And that's exactly why you're_ not going," said Charlie. Luis put his head down and walked away, sulking._

"Charlie, if you don't let me go, I'll kill you," said Fulton.

"Fulton's going. I'll let one more person go. Who else?" asked Charlie. He then saw Averman not jumping up and down and screaming. "Hey Averman, what about you?"

"I don't think I should," said Averman.

"Why?"

"Potch can't be exposed to that. He's too young and innocent!"

"If I take care of Potch, will you go?" asked Charlie.

"You'd do that for me Charlie?" Averman asked.

"Of course," Charlie said. "What kind of friend would I be if I didn't baby-sit one of my best friend's stuffed kangaroos while he went into the strip club?"

"Oh thank you Charlie!" Averman cried, throwing his arms around Charlie's neck. "You're a true friend and I love you!" he planted a big kiss on Charlie's cheek.

"Ok dude, I don't swing that way, get off," said Charlie. "Might have better luck with Adam, though."

"Hey! I might be turned on by butter, but gay I am not! Why does everyone always think I'm gay!?" Adam hollered in frustration.

"Good question, really. I don't know what it is about you, Banks. I think people just look at you and say 'repressed gay boy.' It might be your continuing terrible misfortune, crying, and the too-tight jeans that you wore during the Goodwill Games," said Portman, thinking hard. 

"Give me a break! I was 13!" Adam howled.

"Can we just go and get this over with?" asked Averman, realizing for the first time that he would be going with Dwayne and Adam 'Sweaty Sticky Syrup' Banks into a strip joint.

"Yeah, let's just go, guys," said Fulton, rolling his eyes at Adam.

"Now Charlie, take good care of Potch, or I'll kill you," said Averman to Charlie as he, Fulton, Adam, and Dwayne headed for the strip club. 

"No problem Averman. I'll take care of him," said Charlie, holding Potch but his kangaroo arm, and letting him hang at his side.

"Be careful Charlie! Don't hold him like that! You might dislocate his arm!" Averman yowled, running back. He grabbed the kangaroo and put it back into Charlie's arms like Charlie would hold a newborn. "Hold him like that! And rub his belly! He likes that!"

"Alright, I'll do it like that. Would you just go so we can get to breakfast sometime before lunch time?" Charlie said.

"Be a good boy for Charlie, Potch," cooed Averman.

"He'll be fine," Charlie said.

"Be careful with him Charlie! He's _delicate," said Averman._

"AVERMAN! GO ALREADY! NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO THE KANGEROO AS LONG AS YOU LEAVE HERE RIGHT NOW!" hollered Charlie.

"Touchy, aren't we Charlie?" Averman said, rejoining Fulton, Dwayne, and Adam, at the strip club door.

Charlie watched them disappear inside the place.

"I can't believe you let them go in there," said Julie.

"Neither can I," said Charlie.

"I can't believe _you_ didn't go," said Connie.

"Yeah, because I'm just so responsible…and because you'd never get me out," said Charlie, grinning.

"You, Charlie Conway, are a pig," said Connie.

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"I hope you never get laid, Charlie," said Connie.

"Now that's just cruel! Don't wish that on me, Connie!" wailed Charlie.

"Oh shut up, all of you," said Guy.

"I wonder what they're doing in there?" asked Kenny.

"I wish I could see the look on Dwayne's face," said Luis, laughing.

"What should we do now?" asked Portman.

"Make out!" Julie said. Portman didn't have any objections. Connie and Guy started making out too.

"Ok, what should the rest of us do?" asked Russ.

"I guess we just have to wait for the others," said Goldberg. "I can't wait to hear what they have to say. It should be interesting."

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**Cimmy:** that review was so hyper I'm not sure how to respond. but I'm glad you love it. but you know that. happy reading!

**Iluvguygermaine00 (Samantha):** don't cry! and yes, something like that happened to me. one of my friends got this boner…oh boy, let's not go into that. it was hilarious. talk to you soon!

**Bella7:** Potch has magical powers! nah, he's just so cool he makes stuff happen! Adam is kinda abnormal. but that's what makes him cool.

**WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll**** (Chelsea): Gabe Damon, huh? I'm more of a Matt Damon girl myself, but hey whatever floats your boat! Adam is sooo weird in this story. I can't believe I've come up with this…it's weird, even for me. and I did as much nothing as I could before I went to school too, so don't feel bad. And I still have to rent Newsies. BUT I WANT TO! NOBODY WILL TAKE ME! AHHH! sorry. slight outburst there. I'm OK!**

**DuckHockey00214496:** glad you like this and the other story. tell Potch Jr. he rocks!

**Cake Eater:** Adam is a sicko. Adam is unclean. Adam gyrating is just sooo…there are no words. Go Potch! I feel like I've abused Charlie enough, but there will probably be more Charlie abuse anyway.

**Flat*Out*Crazy:** Adam's kinda scary, yeah. Potch lives in you! He is your inner determination! yeah, I'm pouring out crap about determination, but I'm trying to be inspiring! hope you like this chapter!

**plainjane**: **I thought Julie's cat comment was clever myself. haha, I'm so smart I surprise myself. no, don't listen to me. how smart can you be, coming up with shit like this? lol. anyway, I hope you enjoyed this.**

**C-chan96:** glad you found it funny. but it's ok that Adam scares you, because he is sort of scary here! I'm glad I amaze you, cause I mostly scare other people! I hope you enjoyed chapter 4!


	5. Inside the Strip Joint

hey everyone. here's chapter 5 of _Much Ado About Breakfast._ I don't know how funny this is. I hope it's enjoyable, I found the whole concept amusing, and that's why I chose to write it this way. It's Averman angst…sort of…but not really…you'll see. it's sort of long, at least for this story, but interesting, at least I think. hit the review button when you're done!

-Kristine

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**Chapter 5: Inside the Strip Joint**  
  
"Remind me again how we got in here?" asked Averman to Fulton as they walked into the dimly lit room with loud music playing.  
  
"I'm not sure. I think the guy at the door is drunk or stoned or something," said Fulton. "Come on, we have to get Dwayne and Adam through this."  
  
Fulton, Adam, Averman, and Dwayne were sat down at a table in front of a stage with a runway type thing with a few poles.  
  
"I still don't think you needed to bring me in here. Just leave me to myself with some butter for a few hours and I'd be fine!" Adam yowled.  
  
"That's exactly why you're here," muttered Averman.  
  
"Why? Huh? Huh? HUH?" Adam exclaimed.  
  
"Banksie, we love you like a brother, you know that, right?" Fulton asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"This is for your own good. Trust us. Have we ever let you down?" Fulton asked.  
  
"Well, there was that time you got a new player during the Goodwill Games, you turned your backs on me when I first became a Duck, you shunned me after I made Varsity, Charlie tried to hurt me, you nearly got me hanged a few weeks back, you think I'm gay..."Adam counted off his fingers. 

"Well, except those two, no, four, no…except for those few times have we ever let you down?"  
  
"Well…"  
  
"Exactly. Trust us, Banksie, trust us!" said Fulton enthusiastically.  
  
"Why am I here?" asked Dwayne.  
  
"Because you're worse off than Adam. You've been deprived of your transition from boy into man if you don't see this, Cowboy!" Averman exclaimed.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Just then, a ginger-haired woman with a small waist, and a huge rack came out to a new song. She was wearing huge high heeled cowboy boots, a short, tight, brown leather skirt, a tight shirt with a vest and a fake sheriff's badge, a mask, a gun belt with fake guns, and a cowboy hat.  
  
"Whoa," Dwayne mumbled.

"She's your kind of girl, Cowboy," Fulton grinned.

"I'm in love," Dwayne joked, dramatically clutching his heart. He and Fulton laughed.  
  
"Ya know, she looks kind of familiar," Averman said to Fulton.  
  
"We've never been here, how could she?" Fulton asked.  
  
"I dunno. I don't know how I could know her. It's just weird, ya know?"  
  
"Yeah, well, let's watch. The sooner she finishes, the sooner Dwayne is a man and we get Banks off the butter," Fulton said.  
  
Dwayne and Fulton watched in fascination as the ginger-haired woman danced, shimmied, gyrated, stripped, and made erotic movements in musical time to a pole.  
  
Averman spent the time trying to figure out where he'd seen the woman before.  
  
Adam merely looked bored.  
  
"That's nothing!" he said, "I could do that! And I'd have syrup to make it more interesting!"  
  
"Yeah, quiet, Banksie, quiet, she's talking now." Fulton said, waving at Adam to shut up.  
  
"Hey y'all! I'm the Lone Stripper! I hope you're having a good time! Anybody new to the club today?"  
  
"Uh, we are," Averman raised his hand and gestured at the four Ducks.  
  
"Well then, kind sir-LESTER? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" The fake southern, cowgirl type accent was gone now.  
  
Averman looked terrified. "Mom?"  
  
"Yes! It's me! Why are you here!?"  
  
"Good news, Fulton," Averman said, "I know where I've seen her before."  
  
"Dude, that's your mom!?" Fulton asked, looking horrified.  
  
"Yes...oh man," moaned Averman. "I feel sooo dirty…"  
  
"Oh shit," mumbled Fulton. "Dwayne, Banksie, time to go."  
  
"What are you doing here, young man!?" Mrs. Averman demanded of her son.  
  
"That's not important. What are _you_ doing here!?"  
  
"I'm dancing!"  
  
"What!? Why!? Does Dad know about this!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What!?" Averman screamed.  
  
"Well, we were a little short on cash, and your father and I thought it would be a good idea-"  
  
"To have her son bring his friends to get off looking at his mom!?" Averman howled.  
  
"No! You weren't supposed to know! This was just to earn some extra cash so we could get that extra television you wanted for Christmas!"  
  
"This is how you choose to earn money!?"  
  
"It's not just me. Your father dances, too, on Ladies' Night," Mrs. Averman said.  
  
This was too much for Averman, who now looked like he was going to cry.  
  
"Averman," Fulton said, grabbing his shoulder, "maybe we'd better get going."  
  
"NO!" Mrs. Averman shouted, "You're going to tell me what you're doing here at an '18 and Over' club, Lester Averman, or you're grounded for the rest of your life!"  
  
"Well," Averman finds his voice again, "our _intentions_ were to help Dwayne become a man and get poor Banksie over a fetish, but none of that happened, and instead I'm scarred for life!" Averman shouted at his mom. "Do you think a guy has any desire to see what his mom covers up under those big shirts she wears to the beach!?"  
  
"We're just doing it to get you your television! It's not like I sleep with the people who come in here-!"  
  
"Mom! I don't want to hear anymore! And don't use the money on the television! Spend it on the therapy sessions I'm going to need! This is emotionally damaging! And put your clothes back on!"  
  
"Les, child, I'm going to keep dancing. I enjoy this, as does your father. I'm sorry you had to be exposed to this with no warning, but-"  
  
"Mom, I don't care. What you and Dad do in your spare time..." he shuddered. "Let's just never, ever, _ever,_ bring this up again? Ok?"  
  
"Ok. Where are you kids going now?"  
  
"Well, we were going to do this then rejoin the others outside and go for breakfast, but I've kind of lost my appetite." Averman muttered.  
  
"I haven't!" Adam cheered, doing his best to jump up and down with his legs still crossed.  
  
"Good for you, Butter Boy," Averman shot at Adam.  
  
"Les, play nice with your friends. No name calling," his mother scolded.  
  
"But…I...fine…I don't...! ARGH! NEVERMIND! Goodbye Mom!" Averman said.  
  
"Have a nice day, honey," she called as Averman and his friends walked toward the door.

"Have a nice day? _Have a nice day!?_" Averman exclaimed! "I'm marked for life cause I've seen my mom's hooters, and she wants me to have a nice day! I think I'm going to go and slash my wrists…"

As they reached the door, a new song came on and Averman's mom started to dance for the few people in the club at such an early hour. Averman made a gurgling noise in his throat, but didn't say anything. Then, he pushed the door open and he, Fulton, Dwayne, and Adam walked by the stoned or drunk doorman, and back into the sunlight.  
  
"I'm really, really sorry, dude," Fulton said to Averman.  
  
"It's ok, it wasn't your fault, you didn't know..." Averman said.  
  
Even Dwayne seemed to understand what had happened and was rather depressed over it. The only spirits that weren't dampened were Adam's.  
  
"Maple syrup here I come!" he sang.  
  
"I hate you, Banksie, go die," Averman said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've just been through a traumatic event and you're still screaming about butter!"  
  
"Not butter! Maple syrup!" Adam exclaimed.  
  
Averman was held back by Fulton and Dwayne, or else the Ducks' best player would no longer have been among the living, Averman would be in a prison some place where a smelly bald guy named Bubba would choose him for his girlfriend, and there would have been a lot of blood on the sidewalk. It wasn't so much that they'd miss Adam and would worry about Averman in prison, it was more that Dwayne and Fulton didn't feel like cleaning up blood, as they'd been through enough already.  
  
"What's going on?" Goldberg asked as the non-emotionally scarred Ducks came from across the street.  
  
"We're trying to keep Averman from killing Banks," Fulton said, hanging on to Averman's shirt.  
  
"Yeah, why?" Charlie asked, carrying Potch in his arms.  
  
At the sight of Potch, Averman's sane state of insanity came back, and he immediately went to see the kangaroo. "Potch! Hi! Were you a good boy for Charlie?"  
  
"He was great, no problems," Charlie said.  
  
"So what happened, guys, how was it?" Russ asked.

"It was…um…" Dwayne couldn't even find the words to describe the complete horror of the whole situation.   
  
"Well," Fulton said, "Next time we go to a strip joint, we're not going into a local one. You never know who'll you'll find in there."  
  
"Who'd you find?" Portman asked.  
  
"Averman's mom," Dwayne said, looking sad.  
  
"Why would Averman's mom be inside a...?" Connie started, but her eyes went wide, "OH!"  
  
"I know. Isn't it life altering?" Averman asked gloomily.  
  
"Yes," Julie said, "Averman, I'm so sorry!"  
  
"You're mom must have it going on," Luis said.

Guy elbowed Luis hard in the stomach. "Can't you see he's upset?"

"Hey, this isn't even me being horny! In order to be in a strip club, you hafta be hot!" Luis exclaimed.

"Your _mom_ works in a strip club?" Kenny asked, totally bewildered and upset.

"And his dad!" Adam yelled. Everyone turned to look at Banksie.

"Cake Eater, I'll kill you if you say that again…"Averman warned.

But it was too late. The damage was done.

"Your dad works there too!?" Portman asked excitedly.

"On Ladies' Night," Adam provided.

"Your lucky Potch is too young to see blood, or I'd kill you," Averman said to Banks.

"Come on, tell us what happened in there!" 

Banksie grinned, then said, "Could we get going? I'm getting hungry…and horny."

"Averman's mom made you hot?" Portman asked hopefully.

"No, but I just had a vision of maple syrup, and this pancake, and this spoon-" Adam started.

"DUDE! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Portman yelled.

Everyone was careful to walk a safe distance from Adam as they continued journeying toward IHOP.

"So tell us, Averman, exactly what happened in there," Julie said, grinning. 

And so Averman, with help from Fulton, began to recount his nightmare of how he was trying to bring Dwayne from childhood to manhood, and how he was trying to help Adam get over his fetish, and how he accidentally found out his mom and dad are exotic dancers on the side of their real lives.

When he finished, everyone had a pained expression on their faces. Even Adam wasn't his usual excited self.

"Wow, Averman, I'm so sorry," Guy said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, buddy, that's rough," Goldberg agreed.

"I'm going to be in therapy for a long time. I'm traumatized," Averman told his friends.

While everyone was giving Averman his well-deserved condolences, Charlie slipped away from them and went to talk to Dwayne.

"Sorry your first trip to the strip club was such a disaster, Dwayne," Charlie apologized.

"It's ok, I'm not telling my parents about it, and I've learned something from all this," Dwayne said.

"Really?" Charlie asked, hardly daring to believe it, "What have you learned?"

"That exotic dancing really shouldn't be a family affair," Dwayne said.

Charlie sighed, but he had to agree.

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quick story note: this chapter wasn't originally like this. I originally had another plot line in which Adam did his dance here, but I changed it, cause I decided I wanted it to be with all the Ducks, and in a place with lots of little children around to cry in fear. *evil grin* so I changed it. It was partly inspired by that song 'Stacy's Mom' by Fountains of Wayne. it's not really all that interesting, but I thought you ought to know. I dunno how funny this chapter is, because this chapter, like the last, is not based on something that happened to me, so review and let me know how it is! chapter 6 up soon…I hope. -Kristine

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Cimmy: can't you just see her face though? Yeah, you mixed up your universes. Too bad, though, you're probably right, he's probably a spectacular jerk in real life…Charlie does get laid, it just depends one what story you're reading! Haha, thanks for being a good friend and inspiration. Cheers!

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percussion: glad you found it funny, I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you!

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Flat*Out*Crazy: haha, his family will never know, as this was a traumatizing event…well, more for Averman than Dwayne, but yeah…

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Cake Eater (Quimby): I'm sorry, but no harm was done to Potch in this chapter. maybe next chapter though…who knows? Adam's not too bad in this chapter, but that could change next chapter too…I liked how Portman could do that too, I just see him as doing it, and Adam, well…the question of Adam's sexuality continues…poor Dwayne, his first strip club visit ruined by Averman's mom…yes, Kenny was denied the strip club, I didn't think he could handle it…lol talk to you again, I hope this chapter wasn't disappointing!

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plainjane: Walt is probably bargaining with God to send my soul to hell for this…oh well, what are ya gonna do? ya can't please everyone…and don't worry about the people staring at you! I don't! whenever I laugh out loud at stories and people think I'm crazy, I see it as an added bonus. I hope you liked this chapter!

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WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll (Chelsea): glad you liked the last chapter, I hope you liked this one. Adam is so nuts, and Potch…well, I'm not sure what he's gonna do yet, but it's gonna be done! Portman's the man. I like him with Julie. It's Adam and Julie I hate. I hope that pairing falls out of the universe forever. I gotta see Newsies, I know. I'm dying to see it! Matt Damon and Ben Affleck I like, it's J Lo who I hope falls off the planet. I _hate_ her! She's so fake! I live in New York, and let me tell you, if she were still 'Jenny from the Block' she wouldn't need those bodyguards. I hope you enjoy _It's Summer In My Heart_. Cimmy and I really worked hard on it, but either way, I hope that you like this chapter in this story!

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Bella7: Wow, "thinking" about a group trip with friends to go buy porn. You _badasses!_ *winks* haha, that must have fun…but now you wouldn't even hafta buy the porn, you could just download it off the internet! Glad you like Potch, hope you liked this chapter!

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CakeEater'sgirly99: glad you like the story, I hope you liked this chapter. And yes, Guy definitely made a good catch!


	6. The Angry Weasel

hey everyone. I wrote this chapter, because for whatever reason, I had to throw in something about an angry weasel. I don't know if it's funny or not, cause it's not based on real life, it's just some random idea I had that I had to put into words. it should be fun, though, cause I torture Charlie some. read and review, let me know how it is!

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quick story notes: I don't actually know if there are any weasels in Minnesota, or how they act when they're rabid, or if they sleep, or anything about weasels except what they eat because I looked it up…so if you're looking for accurate information about weasels, this is not exactly what you'd call a 'reliable source'. enjoy the chapter anyway!

Cheers!  
Kristine

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**Chapter 6: The Angry Weasel**

The Ducks decided to cut through the park, as it would be shorter than walking around the park.

"What kind of animals are in this park, anyway?" Dwayne asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Russ asked.

"It's just a question," Dwayne explained.

"No, I meant, why are you asking that question," Russ said.

"Oh. I like animals," Dwayne answered.

"There are the regular animals, I guess," Fulton said. "I never really gave it much thought. I bet there are birds, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, and ducks."

"I like ducks," Kenny commented.

"No kidding? You like ducks? Why?" Julie joked.

"Are there any foxes?" Connie asked. "I like foxes."

"Why wouldn't there be? I mean, it's a big park," said Portman.

"Why do you like foxes, Connie?" Adam asked.

"They're cute," Connie said.

"You know who's cute?" Adam asked. "I think that Ch-"

"YOU THINK CHARLIE'S CUTE!? LET'S ALL POINT AND LAUGH AT ADAM! HAHAHAHA!" Portman roared, and Charlie visibly paled.

"You big, stupid, asshole, I do not think Charlie is cute. I think Christina Applegate is cute," Adam defended himself.

"Riiight," Portman rolled his eyes.

"I'm horny. I'm not gay!" Adam exclaimed.

"Ok, both ways, Banks, we all know _way_ too much about you, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak for the remainder of this trip!" Goldberg said.

"Uh, back to animals?" Dwayne said.

"You think there are any weasels?" Luis asked.

"Why weasels?" Connie asked.

"My old hockey team was called the Weasels."

"The Weasels?" Guy asked, confused.

"Yeah. Stupid, but we were all small and fast, like weasels," Luis explained.

"Cool…hey, don't weasels eat like…birds and stuff?" Guy asked, now looking excited.

"Do they eat people or kangaroos?" Averman asked, hugging Potch tightly.

"Um, probably not," Charlie rolled his eyes.

"Yes, sometimes they eat birds. No, they don't typically eat people or kangaroos," Luis explained to Averman.

"Oh good," Averman sighed, loosening his grip on Potch a little.

"Where could we find a weasel?" Portman asked.

"Well, they're mostly nocturnal...which means they come out at _night_," Luis added hastily, seeing the look on Dwayne's face when he'd said 'nocturnal'.

"Can we wait here until nightfall? I want to see a weasel!" whined Portman.

"I'm hungry!" Guy whined.

"Am I allowed to speak now?" Adam asked Goldberg.

Goldberg sighed, "If you must." 

"Are weasels long, fury, and look kind of like ferrets?" Adam asked Luis.

"Yes. Why?"

"I think I see one," Adam said.

"Where!? Where!?" Portman jumped up and down.

"Cut it out!" Fulton ordered.

"Yes, daddy," Portman said, looking sulky.

"There," Adam pointed. Sure enough, there was a weasel. 

"Interesting," Guy mumbled, stroking his…Connie.

"Guy, stop stroking me!" Connie shrieked.

"What? Oh sorry, deep in thought, my bad," Guy said.

"Cool weasel. Where'd it come from?" Goldberg asked.

"Who knows?" asked Russ.

"Hey, Luis, do you think if it's a girl weasel it will fall in love with Potch?" Averman asked.

"I doubt it, somehow," Luis said.

"Really? Why?"

"Weasels generally mate with other weasels, not stuffed kangaroos," Luis explained to Averman.

"Even if the weasel is a girl and Potch is a guy?" Averman asked.

"Even then," Luis said.

"Are you sure?" Averman asked.

While that conversation continued, Charlie made an announcement to the rest of the Ducks. "I'm gonna go touch it," Charlie decided.

"Ewww, Charlie, why? It could be dirty…"Julie said.

"Because," was Charlie's answer, heading toward the weasel.

"Because why?" Julie yelled after him.

Luis, resident weasel-expert, who had been trying desperately to explain to Averman that even if the weasel was female chances were good it would not fall in love with a male stuffed kangaroo, saw Charlie walking toward it and yelled, "No! Charlie, don't! They don't come out in the daytime! It could be rabid!"

"Oooh, pretty weasel," Charlie mumbled, ignoring Luis, and sounding much like a six year old.

The weasel just looked at Charlie, obviously thinking, in weasel language, _what the hell is this idiot doing? Doesn't he know that you don't come near wild, possibly rabid animals?_

With his friends shrieking for him to cut it out and leave the weasel alone, Charlie got to within four feet of the weasel. Then, it happened.

The weasel went psycho, snapping at Charlie with its bird-eating weasel jaws. Charlie was snapped out of his obsessed weasel touching trance, and backed away. But the weasel started forward, and before anybody knew what happened, the weasel was chasing Charlie all over the park, Charlie hollering all the while about how he was going to be killed by a crazy weasel.

The weasel finally chased Charlie up a tree. "SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! LUIS! PORTMAN! AVERMAN! BANKS! ANYBODY!" Charlie was yelling at his friends.

The weasel kept Charlie up there a good ten minutes. The rest of the Ducks, like when Charlie was being beaten by the old man, found it funny that he was being attacked by a rabid weasel and laughed a whole lot before Averman, clutching Potch and catching his breath, said "Don't worry Charlie, we'll save you."

"Averman, I told you, it probably won't work…" Luis started, realizing what Averman was going to do.

"Well, it's worth a try," Averman shrugged.

Averman walked over to the tree, and got down close to the weasel. The weasel looked like it was about to turn its crazy behavior on Averman, but Averman put Potch down on the grass. The effect was instantaneous. The weasel stopped acting rabid. It calmed down so much that Charlie could climb out of the tree and slip away unnoticed. Averman let Potch sit on the grass until the weasel fell asleep. Then he picked the weasel up and carried it over to some grass and rocks and put it down there. Then he picked up Potch and rejoined his friends.

"Wow, Averman, that was amazing, dude," Portman said.

"I agree. Incredible act of bravery by you and Potch," Kenny said.

"Very cool, taking on a rabid weasel to save your friend," Russ said.

"I don't think the weasel was rabid. It was just angry and needed some love," Averman said.

"Well, I guess you were right, sorry I doubted you, buddy," Luis apologized.

"Don't worry about it," Averman said, "it happens."

"Stupid weasel…" Charlie mumbled from the back of the group.

"I think it was more a case of 'stupid Charlie' than 'stupid weasel'," Fulton said, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, and I think you owe Potch a thank-you," said Connie.

"What?" Charlie sounded astounded. "Why?"

"Because he just saved your weasel fearing ass," Goldberg said.

"Yeah!" Adam agreed. "I would have, but I'd have needed some butter to-"

"Have I given you permission to speak!?" Goldberg roared at Adam.

Adam shook his head no, and just stood with his legs crossed.

"Well, Charlie, say thank you to Potch so we can get going," Goldberg turned back to Charlie. Charlie didn't move.

"Come on, hurry up, Charlie, I'm hungry," Guy said, and a lot of the others nodded agreement.

Charlie knew better than to argue. "Thanks, Potch," he said, patting the kangaroo on the head.

"Wonderful. Let's be on our way then," Averman grinned. "All this saving the day! Potch must be hungry!" 

"We're all hungry too," Dwayne pointed out.

"True, Cowboy, but Potch especially, because of all the work he's done this morning," Averman said.

"Yeah, I think you're right," Dwayne agreed.

"IHOP, here we come," said Fulton.

"Hey, what would you all think if I-"

"QUIET BANKS!" the rest of the team yelled.

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**WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll (Chelsea):** I officially don't know how to respond. Except that I, too, despise J Lo! JOHNNY DEPP IS THE MAN!!!! YEAH BABY!!! Kiefer Sutherland is the man too! Do you watch 24? He kicks ass in that series! And I like Kevin Bacon. Apollo13! WOO!

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percussion: glad you loved it, I hope you love this too!

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Bella7: quite interesting. I'm not even going to comment on the porn thing because I just…don't know what to say. THERE ARE NO WORDS! lol. Hope the driving goes well, I'm learning soon too!

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Cimmy: you officially get the award for Longest Most Pointless Random Review! Holla! lol. It's a good thing, though, so don't feel bad! good friend, good inspiration. thanks! talk to you soon!

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Cake Eater (Quimby): you're so right about the Guy's mom thing! it is kind of like that! I didn't torture Averman this chapter, he's definitely suffered enough now that he knows his mom and dad are…different than he imagined. lol. I tortured Charlie some, Adam hasn't humped his leg yet, but we may get to that point. Your review partially inspired this chapter where Portman assumes Adam's gay…so thanks for being inspiring! hope you like it!

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Flat*Out*Crazy: haha, it was kinda sick, wasn't it? Averman will not sleep well tonight! I hope you liked this chapter. No Averman torture, but some Charlie torture, which is always fun!


	7. Penis Rape

hey everyone, it's been a while since I updated this story. I've wanted to, but I've been _so_ busy with school work! my teachers don't seem to care that I have a life outside of school, and make us get everything in on time, but then when we kids ask for our tests/essays back, they tell us that they have other things to do! bastards! what a freaking double standard!

anyway, here's chapter 7. no exotic butter dance yet, but it's coming soon…by the way, 'penis rape' is based on a real life inside joke, so to me it might be funny, but to you it might be like…'what the hell is she talking about?' but I really hope you like it anyway. read and review!

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**Chapter 7: Penis Rape**

The rest of the journey through the park passed without much incident. The Ducks had cut three miles out of their trip, as they went through the park instead of around, so this put Luis in a very good mood.

"Yay!" Luis cheered.

"What are you 'yay'-ing about?" a grumpy looking Charlie asked.

"We cut down the distance! Less miles to go! WOOHOO!" Luis cheered.

"I see…" said Charlie, who was watching Banks jump around frantically without talking, waving his arms around desperately trying to get Goldberg's attention.

When he finally did get it, Goldberg looked annoyed. "What do you want, Banks?"

"Can I talk? I have something to say!" Banks asked.

"Um…yeah, I guess, as long as it's not about pancakes or butter or syrup of any type," Goldberg decided.

"I think it would be smart next time if we took a bus," Adam announced.

"Thank you for that insight Adam, we'll let you pay the bus fare," said Guy.

"Why me?" Adam asked, looking wounded by Guy's comment.

"Because you're _obviously_ the richest," said Connie.

"Why am I the richest?" Adam asked.

"Because you have the most money. Remember? You came from the super rich Hawks to the poor District 5 Ducks?" Averman pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Adam mumbled. "I try to forget about that and pretend I've been here since the beginning."

"Oh, Banksie, how sweet of you," said Fulton, feigning over-emotion and throwing himself on Adam, who nearly toppled over under his weight.

"Whoa, dude, off, pain!" Adam yelped. Fulton laughed and heaved himself off Adam, who whimpers a bit.

"Don't be a penis, Banksie," Kenny laughed.

"Don't have a penis? Is having a penis a bad thing? Should I cut mine off or something?" Portman asked looking confused.

"Not 'don't have a penis', Portman! Don't _be a penis!" Kenny said._

"Oh, I get it now, never mind," Portman said, smiling as if this cleared everything all up.

"What the hell are you going about, Kenny?" Russ asks.

"Penises," Kenny says matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because Adam was being a penis, so I had to tell him not to," Kenny explained. Everyone just accepts this information and shuts up, because they were too confused to ask more questions.

After walking half a block, Dwayne, of all people, asked this question: "What do you think it would be called if a penis got raped?"

"What do you mean if a penis got raped?" Julie asked.

"I mean, if a penis got raped, what would they call it?" Dwayne explained.

"You make it sound like there are giant penises walking around, getting raped right and left," Averman said, sniggering.

"Maybe there are!" Kenny said, jumping up and down. "Maybe there are giant penises getting raped in penis land!" 

"Um…I doubt it," said Fulton.

"What do you think it would be called?" Dwayne asked again, tapping Charlie on the shoulder.

"I don't know," Charlie shrugged. "Penis-rape, I guess."

"Penis rape?" Dwayne asked.

"Penis rape," Charlie said.

Adam cracked up laughing.

"What are you laughing at, Cake Eater?" Guy asked.

"Penis rape! I don't know, it's funny!" Adam laughed.

"This is hysterical, coming from someone who…never mind, why bring that up?" Luis said.

"You think penis rape is funny?" Dwayne asked Adam.

"Yes…I…do," Adam was hysterical.

"Why, Banksie, why!? Why do you giggle at this horrible crime!?" Dwayne cried.

"Because it's hilarious," Adam's voice comes between wheezy breaths of laughter.

"Wait, what horrible crime?" Portman asked.

"Penis rape," Dwayne wailed.

"What the hell are you all talking about?" Connie asked. "Penis rape isn't a real crime, Dwayne, you can relax."

"It's not?" Dwayne asked.

"You practically made it up as we walked along," Connie explained.

"Oh, well then, no problems," Dwayne said, and smiled again.

"This is terrible," Averman moaned, "Potch shouldn't have been exposed to this."

"Oh come on, Averman, give him some credit, I think he can handle it," Charlie said.

"But he's so young, and this will scar him for life! I'm such a bad person!" Averman wailed.

"Averman, you're not! It's ok, Potch is brave, he can take it!" Charlie exclaimed.

"You think so?" Averman asked.

"I know it," Charlie nodded.

"Oh good, I'm glad you're so smart, Charlie," Averman threw himself and Potch on Charlie in a huge hug. Charlie laughed.

"Wow, and the Ice-Man laughs. Hell has frozen over, everyone!" Julie smiles.

"Oh quiet, Cat Lady," Charlie says.

"She's right Charlie, you should laugh more," Banks said, finally.

"Oh, what do you know, preppie?" Charlie snapped as his temper rose. It was thing for Julie to tease, it was another for a guy who got hot on maple syrup to tease.

"I know you need an emotional outlet," Adam said.

"Me?" Charlie said. "Me!? I'm not the one who was sent to the school counselor because my math teacher thought I was gay and suicidal, Banksie!"

"I am not gay and suicidal! I told you guys, the cat scratched up my arm!" Adam wailed.

"Sure you're not. Come on, Banks, you're the poster boy for repressed gay guys," Charlie said.

"Why do you say that?" Adam asked.

"Because you're super pale, quiet, introspective, and everything bad almost always happens to you," Charlie said.

"And don't forget about the tight jeans and the crying," Portman pointed out.

"I was thirteen, you bastards! I hate you all! I hope you all die and go to hell! I hate you! Some friends you assholes are, you fucking dickheads!" Adam screamed.

Connie and Guy, who were closest to Adam and his outbursts, backed away. Portman and Julie do the same. 

"Hey, Cake Eater, young ears!" Averman yelled, covering Potch's ears.

"Whoa," mumbled Goldberg to Russ, Luis, Dwayne, and Kenny. "Boy seems emotionally and mentally unstable. Maybe we should send him back to the school counselor…"

"You pricks! I hate you!" Adam bellowed.

"Now who needs to laugh more?" Charlie grinned.

"How am I supposed to laugh when you all think I'm gay and suicidal!?" Adam yelled.

"Penis rape," Charlie smiled.

Adam cracked up again.

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**Bella7:** glad you laughed, kid, hope you liked this!

**Quimby: **I've had spoop! It's gross! DISGUSTINGLY DISGUSTING!

**Cimmy:** I love that Robin Hood cartoon movie! Charlie _is_ stupid, so what does that say about Lex, exactly? *LoL* You're the best co-writer every! Wo0t!

**death to all rubix cubes:** I like ferrets more than weasels, maybe it's just me?

**DuckHockey00214496:** Charlie torture _is_ fun. hope you liked this chapter!

**Chelsea****: I can't even begin to respond to this review, so I'm not going to, but you can use Potch. I have a picture, but it's going to take me some time to get it onto my computer…patience child, that is the key to using the Force…patience…**

**Flat*Out*Crazy:** Charlie torture is sooo much fun. I don't like weasels much either, but I like ferrets. I had guinea pigs once. hope you liked this chapter, cheers!

**Stephanie:** I'm glad you love it, and I hope you liked this chapter! no exotic butter dance yet, but it's coming soon, I promise…


	8. The NonBitching Authority Master

_Quick Story Notes:_ Hey, been a while, eh? Sorry. I've had writer's block, mostly due to my using any decent idea I've ever had on my school papers. Even this is shorter than I want it be, but it's the best I can do for now. Plus, my life hasn't been funny lately. This isn't based on real life, so I don't know how good it is. Leave me a review and let me know, ok?

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Chapter 8: The Non-Bitching Authority Master**

After Adam had calmed down, which had taken a good ten minutes, the Ducks again headed on their way. 

"We really should have taken a bus," Goldberg said, as the Ducks were forced to scramble across a big intersection to safety on the other side.

"Oh Goldie," Averman cried, still carrying Potch, "Walking is good for the soul."

"Too much walking is bad for my back," Goldberg complained.

"Just think about the reward, dude," said Fulton. "A nice big stack of golden brown, maple syrup buttery goodness."

"Way to go man," Portman mumbled dropping back to keep away from the cross legged Adam, "you got Banks started again." 

"Leave me alone!" Banks wailed.

"This is a problem, buddy, you should get it fixed," Kenny grinned.

"How?" Adam asked.

"I…" Kenny took a dramatic pause, "…don't know…"

"Good advice, partner!" Dwayne said enthusiastically.

"Thanks buddy, I try," Kenny said. Adam looked dumbfounded, but didn't say anything, and just continued hopping along.

"How much further is this place?" Luis asked, casting a weary eye over the group.

"It can't be far now," Guy said. "It just can't be."

"LOOK!" Connie shrieked.

There was a chorus of 'what?' and 'huh?' from the rest of the group.

Connie pointed dramatically at a vampire outfit in a costume shop. Everyone let out a sigh of relief…except for Averman. He nearly wet himself.

"OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW THEY WERE REAL! I TOLD YOU ALL! POTCH! SAVE US!" Putting the kangaroo down, he screamed and ran in circles, causing people on the street to turn at stare at the Ducks.

"You just couldn't let it be, could you Connie?" Charlie said, watching Averman run into one of those tall public letter drops for the post office.

"Sorry," Connie grinned.

Grabbing Averman by the shoulders as he ran by, Russ began to push him forward, panting, "Come on, everyone, let's just go…"

"POTCH! SOMEBODY SAVE POTCH!" Averman howled, looking back to where he'd left Potch sitting on the ground. "CHARLIE!"

Charlie looked bewildered, but Julie saved the day.

"Relax, Averman, I'll get him," Julie smiled and walked back to where Potch was sitting. Picking him up, she dusted off his bottom, and carried him back to the rest of the group, who were now making their way down the street, Russ still shoving Averman along.

Averman finally got out of Russ's grip and yanked Potch out of Julie's hands, gave him a big hug, threw his arms around Julie and gave her a big hug, then threw his arms around Fulton and gave _him_ a big, choking hug.

"Dude," Fulton said, trying to escape Averman's death grip, "what are you doing?"

Averman began to sing. "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony…"

"Oh jeez," Guy muttered.

To everyone's surprise, Charlie sang the next line. "I'd like to hold it in my arms, and keep it company…"

"Wow, Charlie, didn't know you were such a singing machine," Luis grinned.

"Am not," Charlie flat out lied.

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Charlie, for God's sake, it's not a bad thing to be a good singer!" Luis yelled.

"I'm not a good-" Charlie protested again, but Goldberg cut him off.

"Yes, you are."

"Ok," Charlie said quietly and submissively.

"How'd you get him to shut up so easy?" Luis asked Goldberg. Charlie answered instead.

"Goldie's got an authority you just don't bitch against," he grinned.

Averman, now calm again, turned to Portman. "I thought you had the no bitching authority?"

"Me too," Portman said, looking disappointed.

"I thought it was Fulton myself," Connie cut in.

"So did I," Dwayne spoke out loud.

"Personally, I always thought it was Russ. He's the one who can talk trash so fast nobody knows what the hell he's said about their mother's brother's uncle's cousin's dog's best friend, and by the time you have figured it out, he's so far gone you can't catch him to kick the crap out of him," Kenny gushed.

"Thanks buddy," Russ grinned.

"Kenny, man, how could you betray me like this?" Portman wailed. 

"What?" Kenny looked confused.

"I made you the little Bash Brother man! I brought you here! And this is how you repay me!?" Portman whined.

Kenny remained looking confused. "Dude, what are you talking about?"

"How could you give Russ the title of 'Non-Bitching Authority Master' and not me!?" Portman wailed.

"Oh stop it, dude," Kenny grinned.

"How could you man?" Portman practically cried.

"Hey, if it means that much to you I'll change my opinion," Kenny said, watching Portman look suicidal.

"Hey what about me!?" Russ shouted.

"Oh come on," Kenny moaned.

"No, my trash talking abilities are better than his!"

"Oh for God's sake, Fulton, you officially get my vote for 'Non-Bitching Authority Master!'" Kenny yelled.

"WHAT!?" Russ and Portman both shouted in disbelief.

"I win again," Fulton grinned.

"I think I'm the best!" Portman yelled.

"I think I'm the best!" Russ hollered.

"Could you two stop shouting?" Charlie begged.

"NO!" Portman and Russ bellowed.

"I think I'm the best, Portman, that's it!" Russ yelled again.

"You know, Charlie said it was me…" Goldberg said thoughtfully, and joined the argument. 

The argument raged on, and the other Ducks tuned out as they walked along. Julie was humming a Beatles tune when she heard her name.

 "Yeah well, Julie thinks I'm the best! Don't you, Julie!?" Portman demanded.

Julie just rolled her eyes in response, but as she did, she saw a blue and white beacon of hope. "I see an IHOP sign! I see an IHOP sign!" she yelled and jumped up and down.

It was a time of great rejoicing for the Ducks. It had taken way longer than it should have, but they'd done it. They'd finally made it to IHOP.

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**Cimmy****:** the weirdest person you know, eh? I think I'm honored. it's kind of fun. *grins*

**Chelsea****:** use any picture for Potch that you want. my scanner no longer works, and I can't get the picture on the computer. sorry dude. anyway, I hope you like this chapter!

**death**** to all rubix cubes: **weasels over ferrets? well, whatever floats your boat. I hope you liked this. cheers. 

**DuckHockey00214496:** glad you didn't ask, it's sort of a complicated story. *grins* I hope you liked this, let me know.

**Bella7: **Well, I've written more. Sorry it took a long time. I hope it's alright.


	9. Welcome to IHOP

_Quick Story Notes: _I am trying so hard to write. This chapter has been drafted, edited, redrafted, deleted, re-written, and a whole bunch of other things. I have bad writer's block, and this chapter took me _months_ to complete. I'm sorry for the long wait. I hope you like this. Hit the review button when you're done, and let me know how this is.

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**Chapter 9: Welcome to IHOP**

"YAY! FOOOOOOOD!" Averman shrieked, grabbing Potch and running off toward the building.

"Averman! Look out for cars!" Guy yelled as Averman ran out into traffic, without even bothering to _glance_ in either direction.

The Ducks gasped, held their breath, covered their eyes, and turned away as there was the honking of horns, followed by the screeching of breaks, followed by some rather angry curse words, followed by rather angry curse words in Spanish, followed by the Ducks heaving sighs of relief when they saw Averman getting up off the ground and cursing back at the drivers about how they could have injured his stuffed kangaroo.

"Hey, kid, watch where you're going!" hollered a voice as a car pulled over to the curb.

"What the fuck are you doing you asshole!?" Averman yelled back at a rather big, angry bald man as the exchange continued.

"What am _I_ doing? What are _you _doing, you son of a douche! Watch where you're going, you stupid mofo, and I won't almost run you over!" the big, angry bald man yelled, choosing to ignore Averman's exceptionally foul language and choosing to insert choice words of his own.

"_I_ am _simply_ trying to get to IHOP!" Averman exclaimed with an air of annoyance. "You, on the other hand, are obviously trying to murder me and my kangaroo! Wait until the World Wildlife Foundation hears about you, trying to murder an innocent animal!"

"I was _not_ trying to murder your stuffed kangaroo!" the man yelled. It hadn't seem to dawn on him that Potch was a stuffed animal. "I was trying not to hit you, which brings me back to _watch where you're going_! You're not easy to avoid when you just run out into the street!"

Averman, who was red in the face, paled considerably. "Are you calling me fat?" he wailed, throwing himself onto the sidewalk and sobbing into Potch. "How could you do this to me? When you _know_ I'm sensitive?"

The stranger looked completely perplexed.

"You'll have to excuse him," Guy said as the Ducks wandered over. "He's a bit…odd."

"I'm going now. Tell your friend to watch where he's going next time," the man said, getting back into his car and speeding off.

"Averman, are you alright?" Dwayne asks, crouching down to Averman, who was still sobbing.

"Nooooo," Averman moaned. "First somebody tries to murder Potch and me, and then he had the nerve to call me fat!"

"Join the club," Goldberg said. "You always call me fat."

"But we're not talking about you and your problems right now," Averman sniffled. "How could he do this to me? Especially when he _knows_ I'm sensitive!"

"I don't think he was calling you fat, Averman," Connie said reasonably. "I think he just meant it's hard to stop in time when you just go darting into oncoming cars."

"Easy for you to say, Connie, with your perfect body! You wouldn't understand!" Averman wailed. Connie just looked bewildered.

Averman was having a bad day. First he finds out that his parents, in true Superman fashion, were leading double lives. Honest, hard working, loving parents by day, and stripping, pole boogying, exotic dancers by night; now this whole, admittedly imagined, weight problem. Even Charlie felt bad for him.

"Come on, Averman, cheer up," Charlie said, trying to be helpful, "Some pancakes will make you feel better."

This was obviously not the right thing to say.

"Pancakes!? _Pancakes!?_" Averman yowled. "How are you able to bring up pancakes in a time like this!?"

"Speaking of pancakes," Julie said, "can we go get some food please? I'm hungry."

"You don't feel bad for me, Julie?" Averman asked.

"No, Averman, I don't, since you've made this whole thing up in your mind, and I'm hungry, so let's go," Julie said, and began walking. "You are not fat!" she called over her shoulder.

"Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" Adam jumped happily up and down and began bouncing behind Julie towards the restaurant once again.

"Uh, as much as I hate to agree with old happy pants, I really think I'll be heading over that way, too," Luis muttered. "I'm starving."

Luis headed away. Goldberg followed. Charlie lifted Potch up off the sidewalk, and walked along as well.

As the rest of the Ducks began wandering after Julie, their pangs of hunger beating out their pangs of sympathy, Averman reluctantly peeled himself off the sidewalk and towards the IHOP too, but set himself firmly in the belief he was not going to eat anything.

Reaching the building without further incident, the Ducks stepped inside.

"The smell of syrup, the sight of waffles, the sticky floors, I remember this place. Oh, IHOP we meet again," said Kenny with a look of fond nostalgia.

"Oiy vey," said Guy.

The pretty, blond haired, green eyed hostess took one look at the large party of Ducks and yelled, "Hey, Freddie, we're going to need a big one!"

"You got it, Chloe," Freddie smiled. Freddie was rather handsome. At 5'11, with gold-brown hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, strong arms, and slightly darkened skin…well, Connie and Julie were now drooling like Adam, except butter had nothing to do with it.

Freddie noticed the two girls watching him, and flashed a smile.

Guy looked annoyed, as did Portman. Unfortunately, Julie and Connie didn't notice this, and it took quite a few _ahems_ from Russ before they came to their senses. The two girls quickly started coughing while their love interests fumed.

Chloe the hostess giggled at the girls and said to Charlie, "Welcome to IHOP, are you ready to sit now?"

"Uh, all right then," said Charlie, with a confused look at Connie, Guy, Julie and Portman, "we're ready to sit now."

The Ducks all took seats around the table, Julie and Connie squashed between Portman and Guy. Obviously, Freddie wasn't getting anywhere near Connie or Julie.

After the menus had been past out, the Ducks sat quietly reading them. Averman was also gazing over his menu, in spite of his commitment not to eat, and was periodically reading to Potch the selections out loud.

Freddie and Chloe looked at Averman like he was a little weird, but the rest of the Ducks appeared to have gotten used to Averman's constant chattering to Potch.

"What do you think you'll get?" Luis asked Guy.

"Uh…chocolate chip pancakes," Guy answered.

"No, get blueberry," Connie broke in.

"Why?"

"Because blueberry is better."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is n-"

"How about," Fulton interrupted, "Guy gets chocolate chip pancakes, since he likes_ that_ better, and Connie gets blueberry pancakes because she likes _that_ better."

"Sounds like a good plan," Dwayne said, nodding his head.

"What are you going to order?" Portman asked Julie.

"I think…waffles," Julie said, giving one final look over the menu before closing it.

"Oh, why must you torment me so?" Averman moaned. "I can't eat anything and you're going to order my favorite breakfast!"

"Averman," Charlie said, "why don't you just eat? You're not fat."

"Oh, I'm huge!" Averman started wailing again. "Soon I won't be able to fit into Goldie's jeans! I'm a fatass! And you all must torment me! How could you!?"

"Averman-"

"No, Charlie, I'm not eating anything," Averman folded his arms and leaned back into his chair.

"What's Potch getting?" Kenny asked Averman.

"I think Potch will have an omelet. He likes those," Averman said.

The discussion continued. Finally, Freddie came over to take their orders. It took about fifteen minutes to get it all straight, but finally, Freddie left for the kitchen to put in the order…though, Fulton and Charlie had agreed that Freddie would never be the same person he was before he encountered Potch and Averman.

"He's scarred," Fulton mumbled.

"For life," Charlie agreed, after Freddie stopped being hollered at by Averman. When Freddie had asked if Averman wanted onions in the omelet, Averman went straight into Potch's allergy to onions, and that they couldn't be in his omelet because Potch would become deadly ill.

Freddie looked so confused…and marked for life by the time it was over.

Charlie looked around. His eyes landed on Adam, who'd become strangely quiet.

"Hey Banksie, is anything wrong?" Charlie asked.

"Butter," Adam murmured, staring intently at the butter and the maple syrup on the table. "Must…restrain…self…"

"What are you going on about Banks?" Charlie asked again.

Adam's focus remained on the breakfast condiments sitting in front of him. "Butter," he kept murmuring. "Butter, syrup, hot, fizzling, yummy…"

Charlie decided Adam was too far gone to save, and turned his attention elsewhere.

Russ, who was sitting next to Adam, realized Adam was muttering to himself about his fetishes, and tried his best to move closer to Luis on his other side.

The next twenty minutes passed with conversational chatter but rather uneventfully, unless you count Kenny spilling his chocolate milk all over Dwayne, who took it quite well. His only retaliation was to squirt ketchup in Kenny's eye.

Charlie tried to keep track of the conversations, but only really got bits and pieces of them.

Kenny and Dwayne, who were done fighting, were now laughing hysterically and pointing at each other. It was all they were doing. No words were involved, just pointing and laughing.

Connie and Guy continued on their chocolate chip vs. blueberries kick, which Charlie found annoying. How many different times could you say blueberries were fruity and chocolate chips were chocolatey anyway?

Fulton and Portman were arguing about the best team the NHL had to offer.

"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Portman said.

"No, the Panthers are awesome!" Fulton retorted.

"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Portman repeated.

"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Fulton mimicked Portman.

"No, the Panthers are awesome!" Portman exclaimed, and realized too late that he'd said the wrong thing.

"Haha, told ya!" Fulton laughed, whiled Portman looked furious.

Finally, Freddie and Chloe both arrived with plates and glasses, all hot and smelling, in the words of Averman, "delicious, which is torturous to a dieting fatso like me!"

"Averman, for the love of Jesus H. Christ, you are not fat!" Russ yelled at Averman, finally losing his patience.

But Averman did not see it that way. He threw his hands up into the air, knocking Chloe, who'd been standing behind him, off her feet. She was holding Fulton's lumberjack breakfast ("Complete with two pancakes, two waffles, eggs, bacon, _and _sausage!" Fulton had said happily) which went everywhere.

In spite of the mess, not too much damage was done. Kenny had taken a corner of a waffle to the eye, but other than that, no major injuries.

It was then that Charlie noticed one of the pancakes from Fulton's lumberjack breakfast had landed on Adam's head. The butter, which had been on top of the pancake, stuck to his face as the pancake slowly slid down the side of his head and face, coating his left cheek in the warm, melted substance.

Years later, looking back, Charlie would come to realize that it the moment Adam stood up was the signal for him to do something.

Unfortunately, the gift of hindsight only works when something has already happened. It's the gift of foresight that Charlie really needed. It was too bad that Charlie wasn't given that gift.

He just stared, along with everyone else, at the horrifically humorous event that was about to unfold before their eyes.

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**Bella7: **sorry I didn't drop you any ideas, I've had writer's block lately. I hope you liked this chapter!

**BanksPortmanMendozaWu****: **I love the fact that you find these stories both funny and a little disturbing. Enjoy this chapter!

**Quimby****:** I have rocked on, Q. I hope you enjoyed this, as I sit here speaking to you about the state-of-the-fandom online. Ah, a State of the Fandom Address! Let's do it! I hope you like this, considering what we've just discussed. Cheers!

**Emily Henson: **I hope you liked this, even though it's been a while.

**Sam: **glad you love it. So pleased. I hope this lives up to expectations. Cheers!


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